Saturday

In honor of tomorrow's popular intergalactic aesthetic talent event, the Miss Universe Pageant, here are the rules of the eponymous drinking game, a time-tested ritual. First, it is necessary for each player to choose a contestant from the outset (it is routine to either pick a woman representing a favored country or to just shout out "her!" during the national dress parade, the first televised event). This Miss will be your chess piece as the game advances, her performance dictates your scoring. It is important to have a contestant in play; you might need to pick another one if your first choice fails to make it into subsequent rounds. I would very much like to choose Miss Japan, whose costume is the traditional "Samurai Stripper Robot." Sunshine always takes Miss Venezuela, who will be dressed as "Spiegel Matador." After choosing, you begin playing the game. You must drink when any of the following happens: 1) your contestant stumbles or in some way messes up verbally, facially, or physically--or really any moment everyone begins to pick on her by yelling "drink!" at you. 2) Whenever any contestant or announcer mentions god, the children, or the great number of beautiful women on stage. You have to especially drink if the announcer gets flirty about it. 3) Whenever any contestant wears something mind-bogglingly ugly, wears feathers on her dress or in her hair, or accidentally gets naked. 4) Whenever the announcers change clothes. 5) When another player's contestant wins a round, advancing into some level of the finals; and when yours does not (and then you choose a new contestant). Lastly, you have to drink when everyone yells "drink;" or when, throughout the game, new criteria are enacted and displayed. This will air Sunday night on planet Earth. Good Luck. [Cavin]